So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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