I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
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