I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
