I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Randomize
