Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Randomize
