I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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