rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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