Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
