I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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