Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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