her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Holy sore nipples Batman
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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