Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
