I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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