sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
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