I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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