Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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