Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
