Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
