you didnt know i had herpes?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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