You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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