dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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