Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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