just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
