I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
