Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
