I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
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