i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Randomize
