sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
