Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
