She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
