Someone shattered a urinal.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
soo... how was my night?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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