Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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