Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
