he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
