Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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