He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
