Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
