I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
