She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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