i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
