Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
