Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
