I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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