I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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