Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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