I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Randomize
