i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
