apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
You ruined the universe
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