sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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