It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
