Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
