This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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