he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
