I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
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