TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I need to calm my uterus...
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
