we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I think weed is turning my hair brown
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
