I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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