Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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