fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
