i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
